I can do what I want at any moment, since I'm in college and finally independent. I have so much more extra "alone" time despite being busy with classes. When I come home, who's stopping me from doing anything? I can do what I want. Nothing I stopping me from lying down in the road, or anything of that degree. I can do it. I can do what I want. But I don't even know if I want that. I think about how happy I look with my friends and if I died just a few hours after how jarring it'd have to be. I almost find it funny. It's sick, I know. I thought these thoughts were gone but I feel as if it's an illness that won't end up getting better by itself. It'll keep returning and returning until, what? Nothing happens? Something happens? I wish I was better. I wish all those practice hours did something. I wish I had friends already. I wish I got to do all the stupid dumb shit already. I wish I wasn't so good, because where has that gotten me?