I'm sober. I want to stay sober, I genuinely think I'll end up killing myself if I stay sober any longer. I wanna be high because at least I wasn't able to feel everything all the time. I want the high of something so much stronger like fear gas. I can't explain why but I just know I'd feel better. I'd be numb, not real. I'd feel good. I can't keep pretending I'm okay here. I need to feel the slow numbing release of weed. I don't wanna feel real anymore.