i want to understand people. i have high functioning autism and i have always felt like and been perceived as an alien, a clown with bells, or the monster on the hill. for a long time, i hid myself. now that i have a formal diagnosis, and i realize there’s a reason i feel so lost all the time, ive been trying to relax and be what feels like “myself” more often. people dont like it, the same way they didn’t like my masks. there is something just off putting about me. i am so hurt. hurt is the only emotion that makes me feel human, so i am constantly putting myself in scenarios where i will get hurt. I want to kill the hope I have that one day, my hard work will pay off and I will finally be able to act and feel like a human being instead of watching from the sidelines. I am made of wire. I want a tether to the human world. I seek my tether in people who don’t care if I live or die. and it hurts so badly every time. I wish I was strong enough to simply just die.