Ive been through it all. Tried all the medications, done ECT, and I was okay for a bit. but I can feel my old feelings coming back. They always do. Ive been diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder, and I beleive I also have Boarderline Personality disorder but have never been diagnosed. Im sitting here in my bed feeling sad, and Im realizing that I dont mind these feelings coming back. Its almost like a comforting numbness. Yea it makes college so much harder because im not motivated and I have no energy, but I enjoy sitting in my bed crying or wishing I could cry while listening to sad music. Im realizing that I wouldnt care if my suicidal thoughts came back. It made me more carefree during the day. I didn't care what happened to me. I didnt care about my grades or what people thought of me. After all i would be dead soon. I miss that feeling. I miss the feeling of getting to leave this horrible reality behind. I miss the feeling that showed me I would leave my horrible mind