i know that i'm doing really well in school, but it feels like every time i get even one question wrong i'm a failure and that i need to do everything right. i swim competitively, and i feel like i'm not trying hard enough because my friend got moved to a better, elite group, and i didn't, and i feel...left out. i don't think i have true friends i feel a connection with. i don't know who to talk to. i can't talk to anyone. my parents started checking my phone, and my mom's so snoopy, i can't even text anyone. and when i do try to talk to someone, i feel like such a burden and then i get mad at myself for even talking to them. i feel so numb all the time, and it's gotten so bad, i forget so many things, i forget how i feel, i forget that i exist, i forget how to even feel. it feels like i'm stuck living in the past instead of the present, so i think to myself: 'if i can't feel, then i might as well die'. i relapsed after 3 months yesterday, and i feel so numb. i just want to feel.