this is genuinely the worst year of my life its everytime i feel like its getting better it just takes me and drags me back to the abyss below and i cant even tell anyone anything without feeling shame or anger with myself because it just feels like maybe all of my problems could've been avoided if i had more self control and wasn't so insecure about my own feelings. Can't even talk to my family about it in these moods since we're tightly knit and I know they want me to be honest but with the pace on how I end up spiraling and panicking everyday it simply isn't worth their time and stress so I just listen to something or do something that's louder than what's going on in this head of mine. I can't even handle socializing in any server or friend group without panicking and thinking i did something wrong because they talk or act slightly differently and I've had people talk crap behind my back and I hate this cycle I want to be normal I want to be happy I want to be free.