Im starting to think my first med provider dude was right about a mood disorder. But I also think he was wrong and that im just a fucking moron and piece of shit. That's what I know my family thinks. Ill just end up like the grandma I never met, a lunatic. Someone has to. They have to be the one for them to mention in passing, or reminiscing about the psycho. There will be no mention in their part about how the insane insecurity and narcissistic tendencies happened. "We just treated you like shit for years of your life, physically and emotionally abused you, but we were kids too!!! Mom and dad sucked, but it totally only affected us, which means we HAD to take it out on you!!! Why do you isolate?? Why are you always quiet?? Why do you act like a weirdo??" I don't like being this way. I do everything to conceal it. I still act cordial. But internally I hate them. And I hate how evil my thoughts get. I plan suicide internally for the sheer purpose of making them hurt. I dont deserve life