Being the affair partner is slowly killing me but I don't know how to stop it. The risk of being caught out is so catastrophic but I don't want to risk the friendship I had with him before all this started. Watching him with his wife and children breaks my heart, not because I wish it was me and that they were my children - I'm under no pretense that there is no solid foundations to our sordid relationship, if circumstances were different I would not date him or marry him or carry his children- but the utter pain of feeling so alone in this situation. He has his fun and goes back to his normal life, I have my fun and go back to loneliness.