I do not know what I am doing with my life. Seriously, all I do is think about the past, some errors I did in my past where I'm so ashamed to tell to anyone and afraid of people finding out how I was and then I feel they would abandon me. I feel like a monster and some days I feel like I'm irredeemable and deserve to die. I fantasize about being born more mature and with a different body, but I get an empty feeling when I know I'm in the present and can't do anything about my past. I really don't have any hopes for the future right now, and I feel so disconnected I don't feel like I can tell anyone about this. I feel I've become less sensible but at the same time more sensible. Every night I go with the hope of waking up and being born again. I try to be better, I still make mistakes, and I try to carry on, but I feel like I'm going to explode one of these days. I feel I'm pathetic.