I wish I was never lauded as a witty and imaginative writer as a teenager, it gave me false hopes for adulthood. I wish I spent my time in libraries, reading up on all the classics like Homer, Ovid, Stevenson, Racine, Shakespeare, Swedenborg, Dante, classic philosophy up to Nietzsche, instead of merely expressing my feelings on everything. It's time I can't get back, time I feel controlled by. I wish I just stood and stared at paintings on the wall, just memorized the artist's form and sculptures, the biology of birds and humans. I thought I had to be a degenerate. I was the Chris Chan of my school, lauded for being an untalented clown, for having some Midas poop touch. When I caught up with my ambitions, I was distracted by industry. I wasted time trying to make myself loved, on finding a brotherhood where there were none, just people living and competing by means not of their own. It didn't matter whether I was in a formal corporate position or not, I allowed myself to fear "talent".