I don’t remember what it feels like to feel 100% happy. Even when something good happens to me or people I like there’s always something wrong. I feel like I’m fat, or I look ugly or that I sound weird or that Im being mean. Something is always wrong with me. I planned on killings myself sometime the fall of 2026 a few years ago. I rethought it for a couple of months while I was anorexic. It gave me a reason to live longer, the longer I starved the thinner I became. But now food no longer scares me, In fact I crave it. In extreme quantities. I can’t stop eating and It’s making me hate my body and myself even more. I feel like i’m so busy hating myself all the time that I’m missing out on something that everybody else is doing. I now, once again feel the intense weight of wanting to die on my shoulders. I want to die. I deserve to die. And I want to do it myself.