Part of me wants to recover, but another part of me wants to get worse, and I hate that I feel this way. I don't fully understand why. Maybe it's because my mental illness has become familiar, and even though it hurts me, it's where I feel the most comfortable. It's what I know, and the idea of living without it feels strange. Recovery means letting go of the coping mechanisms I've relied on for so long. I know they're unhealthy, but they've helped me survive, and losing them is one of my biggest fears. Recovering also feels like losing part of myself. Even if it's the worst part of me, it's still become part of who I am, and I don't know who I'll be without it. Sometimes it feels easier to get worse than to fight every day to get better. I don't even have much motivation to recover right now, and that makes me feel guilty. Living with these conflicting feelings is exhausting. I want to heal, but I'm scared of everything recovery asks me to leave behind.