I hate being alone, but I do it to myself. I haven't had real friends since I was 12, I am in college currently (online classes). Every friendship I've had since has been online. This makes it incredibly easy to ghost them without real consequence. I am trapped in a cycle of making new online friends and then ghosting them out of nowhere. There is a point in the relationship where my desire to not be alone is beaten into the ground by the disgust I feel at being perceived. I feel like everyone is lying to me. I can't trust anything they say and I need to get away from them, but then I am away, and I am just alone. I find myself getting very angry at other people for the stupidest things. They all feel like better people than me. Or just normal people. Real people. I feel subhuman and I always have. Nothing crazy happened to me, I was bullied as a kid, but that's it. I wish I was mute so I had an excuse not to talk. And everyone would accommodate me. Who am I kidding? No they wouldn't.