somedays i feel disgusted. like no i dont want to kill my family. these thoughts make me imagine brutal ways to end them. i wanna claw my skin and rip it open, i wanna drag my nails down my face and peel my face off. and ik its bad. believe me, murder is bad yes. but i know two murderers and they both were amazing guys. one is in a gang and hes killed more ppl than i can count on my hand. and another killed only one guy. ik i should judge or be like "i dont wanna know you" but i cant? i feel close to them. and whats worse is idc abt the deaths, to me its like wrong place wrong time, shouldnt have been there or done that to be killed. the one in a gang works for the cartel too and instead of being scared i js hope he is safe. the other is in parole. i dont tell ppl abt them bcs they say im gross and they are monsters. they arnt! not to me, they are perfect in my eyes. somedays i feel like a psychopath and i wanna know what its like to dig in someones body. i wanna kill myself i hate me.