my dearest friend died a month ago. i loved him in so many ways i can't even put into words. his death has forced me to face one thing i can't bear: helplessness. the kind that strips you of every instinct you've ever relied on. i've always believed there was something i could do. something to fix. something to say. something that could make a difference. death ended every "what if." sometimes there is nothing you can do. no words. no second chance. no fixing it. no loving someone enough to keep them here. i still have all this love for him, but it can never reach the only person it belongs to. i can't reach him. i can't hold him. i can't shower him with all my love. i can't do anything except wake up every day knowing he's still gone. that's the cruel part. not that i still love him, i always will. it's that i have to keep carrying a love that can never reach the person it was always meant for. this love has his name on it. it always will, even if it never reaches him again.