RantRam: anonymous venting

I can’t focus anymore. I can’t smile genuinely, I can’t laugh, I can’t have a good time anymore. I can’t shake this fear of abandonment and loneliness. I can’t imagine what she thinks right now, unless it’s something negative about me. I can’t sleep. I’m not really able to eat. I’m beginning to suffocate in my thoughts and feelings, unable to breathe anymore. I hyperventilate and pace around aimlessly. 5 minutes feel like 5 hours. It’s all stressful. I can’t figure out the girl, the friends, the school. It’s so overwhelming. The panic attacks are more often. The anxiety more strong each time. I can only run on and on, away from my problems, stomping the ground so hard because I’m so angry at the world. I run and tell myself that maybe if I just ran harder, longer, further I’ll be better. She’ll see me better. I slap my face with a force so hard to knock sense into myself. She says I love you dryly. She says she needs space, but it feels as if it’s all over. I hate myself.

never can tell if I really like something. I dont really feel anything emotionally that makes me value one thing over another. most stuff I do is just because of circumstance and most people I hang out with is just because of circumstance. No real drive or desire, no interest. Just floating through, I guess.

i feel like i’m too miserable to have real friends. whenever i get close enough to tell them how i’m really feeling, it feels like they start pulling away, even if they say everything is fine. every time i feel like i’ve finally met someone who gets me, it ends up the same way. i can’t even blame them! i mean, i hate myself too. i get it. i’m excruciatingly annoying and whiny and clingy. it just hurts to feel like no one could possibly love or care about me, get my hopes up with every new person, then see every single one of them gradually confirm that fear. if i was more interesting, or more talented, or less sensitive, i’d actually be able to keep them around. but i’m not. there’s nothing good about me as a friend. i’m fun on the surface, when i’m not comfortable with you yet, but as soon as i get comfortable i’m unbearable. i must be. i just don’t know what to live for if everyone i want to be around has no reason to keep me there.

I wait for someone to listen. I wait for someone to hear. I wait for someone to watch. I wait for someone to fear. I wait for someone to clutch I wait for someone to relate. I wait for someone to hug. I wait for someone to trust. I wait for someone, anyone.

I hate myself so much I just wanna kms. school is starting up for me and school is just hell on earth. I fail academically (failing almost every class) and I get bullied by the popular kids. I just hate it so much I want it all to end. I don’t even have any friends this world sucks. Just end me already

I was sexually assaulted by my stepbrother. my stepmom doesn't believe me, and I'm scared because I know she's going to treat me unfairly because she thinks i'm lying