RantRam: anonymous venting

I feel like I'm turning into a horrible person in ways I don't think I can fix. Hobbies don't get emotions out like they used to, writing it down using fanfiction feels like its making me think more of the intrusive thoughts that bother me, movies only get some emotions out. I use caffeine to trigger manic episodes to drown it all out. I got groomed and only knew like a month ago. I can't tell anyone I was raped. For some reason the weird thing I have about fictional gore is getting stronger. I'm a dick to friends and I don't even know why, so I've just been isolating to avoid being worse to them. I'm trans but can't tell anyone. I want to get worse again like I was with the person who groomed me. But I am terrified to turn more into them, to talk or have their habits. It makes me scared of people older than me and afraid I might be a horrible influence on people younger than me. Empathy has gotten worse. Feels like I'm dying.

how to stop feeling everything.... now its getting in my head a lot ,as a sensitive person i am feeling everything a lot someone's little action ,words are hitting me its been a week ..... how always i'm the only person which is left out even after so much efforts i can't.....................................

i hate thinking about the future. i've been overly aware of my existence and such since i was younger, and i've hated just planning ahead as well. i have my family, my friends, and..well, no partner :P but i know one day i'm gonna lose them, and if an afterlife even exists, i don't even know if i'll see them then. i wanna grow old with someone and be able to enjoy what i have left, but i'll have to move on one day and keep living. i don't know how to move on, and it hurts. i don't want things to change right now. i like what i have.

I feel like i'm never anyones first choice. No ones best friend, no ones partner, no ones favourite, ... . Everyone has someone more importante. I'm just a background character, a backup option. I'm never the best, but also never the worst. I'm just there. No one importante. Just existing. What ever i do, i always get over looked and ignored. Messages never really read, stories never really listened to. Just there if they need me, but only then. But the people around me are not bad people. they consider me their friend. Just not importante enough to care about more then just checking if i'm alive once in a while or asking me for favours. My own parents don't even see it. They take my brother serios, but nor me. I'm just the after thought. They don't notice my sleep getting worse, my eyebags heavier and darker. I'm honestly not motivated enough to care anymore. I'm not really happy nor sad. Just there. I will jusy go on numb. I don't wanna leave, i just wanna be happy not numb

i hate being done so wrong to point where you’re not even angry

im like scrolling through this site and none of the rants have reactions or anything i know its not peoples job to comfort others but if you can atleast try to help