watched leviticus at the cinema earlier and it lowkey fueled an existential crisis within me. the plot kinda hits hard to home. im gay, feminine, and grew up in the philippines- a predominantly catholic country. it took me years to come into terms with who i am, what i want, and what i want to show. i lived in constant fear from judgement, from disappointing my parents, and disappointing the lord. but then something in me realized that this is my only life and i can't spend it living as someone i hate looking at the mirror. it took me years to be myself and now that i am, i've come into terms that i'd never be someone's love because gay men love masculine men. and i want to be loved so bad but i spent so much time repressing who i truly am and now im free, i have to conform again to be loved by a man. i dont want to yet i want someone to love me so much. i spend my nights thinking maybe im just ugly, not meant to be loved. maybe this is the consequence i'll have to pay to the lord.