honestly, being so emotionally aware yet so incapable of doing anything is tiring. it's the understanding that there's these complex emotions that you're feeling--yet only rlly being able to describe and understand surface-level what the fuck they mean. fucking hell, and the fear of therapy (and ig just the inability to access such a thing financially) is just so defeating. i want to get better. i want to understand why i feel like such a bad person. but there's only sm stuff out there that i'm willing to do to grasp that. the fear of the unknown is also probably an additional setback. i wish i wasn't so fucked in the head to be this self-sabotaging.