I realized not long ago that I'm trans and that's great and all but I still can't bring myself to imagine myself as I am while fantasizing about guys whether its romantic or more sexual. It's always my old self while I was performing as a female or a completely made up character to play as because it feels like no one could love me as just me. The more I uncover the more in tune with my identity I become except that means I have progressively more and more dysphoria. It's just so painful and my dream of being a guy seems unreachable. Like I want to smell like a guy, have their silhouettes, grow hair, have the correct genitals, a flat chest, ect. Before the thoughts were just like "I want to be a guy" but they just keep getting more specific. Not to mention I had to stop being friends with my ex best friend bc she didn't believe me and refused my old name and pronouns. I shared with her about my chest dysphoria and she just made it all about herself.