(tw sex and stuff) i sometimes watch porn to get a sexual release of things im traumatized by, like older men and weird creeps because i fucking hate them and my body wont physically relax anymore, and i have such violent intrusive thoughts its like the only thing that belps me process. im a very social person but i dont wanna be assaulted or used anymore abd im going on a fucking world trip vacation but all i really want is my ex to fucking wake up and hug me and my sister to be a better person and idk everything is just so fucking gross feeling and weird and i wanna stop beinng here bc of it. like this whole thing is rlly fucking up my jive ive been planning my vacation and still have work lster ughhhhhhHHHHHHHHHH. i gotta lay off the weed shit doesnt even feel that good anymore i need to quit cold turkey my sleeps so bad i just want reasssttt rest lufeb rest nmmn ..... i wanna lay down and shift i wanna leave this llabe sndbeveryokne behidndbhjmp