I'm not depressed or anything, at most I have depressive and self-pitying mood surges, but sometimes I just wish I'd end it. Or be locked up in an asylum. Or I don't even know anymore, I just wanna rest and be gone from this world. All this anxiety, all this confusion, and all of these things in me that I can't identify but know are wrong and negative is making me rot from the inside. I'd like to believe I'm fine, I'm improving, but these days some of these little moodswings feel so intense, yet they go away so fast once I realise I don't HAVE to feel this way. But once I realise I feel a certain negative way and decide to stay in bed a little more and let myself doomscroll, I feel like an impostor and like I'm overdramatising how I feel on purpose. Which I truly feel like I do, because I have NOTHING to be that way about, yet I still do. I fantasize of bad things happening, scarring me, and I somehow, disgustingly yearn for it. I wish for all of it to stop.