i dont know what im going to do anymore i dont want to live but im too scared of dying, im cowardly and too scared to go through with any of my plans but i know realistically it would be so much easier i have no local friends and cant seem to make any. im too awkward, unfunny, i try to work on myself and push myself the best i can but its not enough and never will be. i on;y have my two cats. i miss talking to people and i miss touching people but it disgusts and unnerves me and makes me sick i cant reach out and therapy is too expensive i cant find a better job i have tried and everyone is sick or dying or old and i cant stop that i want the same effort to be put into me as i put into them. i think most importantly i want to be loved and i want it reciprocated back i want to be understood but it will never happen. i will keep going but it wont be happy. i will continue to try and do my best but i am so tired. i just want to go home