I just got my Adhd meds, and right in the testing face to find the right amount to take. I'm at 30mg right now at will probaply stop at 40mg, because already, I feel the side effekts. Or well more like one side effekt and that are thoughts like bad ones, like suicide. And I know I should go back down to 20mg, but this is the first time in so long that i felt anything for real, and sure I smiled and laughed more when taking less/none but it didn't really feel like anything. Now i'm thinking what i should do, beacuse i'm kinda getting scared of myself again. I was depressed and sucidal before and i'm so unbeliveble scared to fall back intolerant that pattern, i've been fighting with myself for days now just to not selfharm, and also i've been starting to idealise death and after life again. And god do i know how bad this is for me and how it could end but i also feel so understood from my own mind. Idk how to explain it better.