My parents always tell me I'm going to do great when I get old enough to leave the house, but I'm not even planning to make it past 20. If I'm past that point I'm already spoiled and rotten and useless. I don't want to live in a world where everything is about having the most money, where the rich get richer and poor get poorer, I just won't live. And this isn't a scary thought anymore. It's been 4 years since I first became suicidal, and now it just feels like a plan ahead that'll make everything better. People often worry about me and I understand and appreciate it, but I also want them to understand that no amount of pleading or changes in my life will change my decision. I'm going to die early and a sour memory, and I think I'm actually okay with that. I WANT to live my life in solitude, I WANT to be alone but I also want someone to be alone with, who has the same mindset. If I couldn't decide if I wanted to live, then I want to decide when I'll die.