i would like to preface this by saying i am not suicidal, however i feel curious sometimes about death in general. Like i wish that death would come early just to see what waits, but i know better than to act on that thought. Although with those thoughts it makes me worry that the only reason i am religious i only do it for heaven and not for the love of my lord. It can spread to my deeds as well i feel like i only ever do good things anymore for heaven even if in the moment that is not why i did it. It just feels like although i am afraid of death and by extension god I don't want to wait at the very end of my life to see either. While i want to know exactly what i will face and what happens, i am also afraid of what i might come to see when things are all over and that if i do come face to face with god will i even be capable of speaking?