my brother died six years ago. he was 7 years old. I haven't cried in front of anyone since that day. I was only 12 at the time. It brought me this looming sense that I'd rather not exist. I've romanticized killing myself but I don't really want to die, and I don't want to be remembered all that much. I just want to disappear from the minds and expectations of everybody. Whenever he's brought up I go quiet, I always have. I haven't spoken his name to family or friends since. Its become a coping mechanism, disassociation. Whenever something invokes a strong emotion in me I tend to shut down. A couple years back I got dumped by, at the time I believed to be the love of my life. It tore me apart internally, but I never showed it. I dont know how to show grief. I dont know how to express my emotions genuinely. I'm afraid of what people will think. I am deeply insecure. Blake, you were kind, sensitive, compassionate and creative. I was so mean to you. It should've been me