I feel like I'm turning into a horrible person in ways I don't think I can fix. Hobbies don't get emotions out like they used to, writing it down using fanfiction feels like its making me think more of the intrusive thoughts that bother me, movies only get some emotions out. I use caffeine to trigger manic episodes to drown it all out. I got groomed and only knew like a month ago. I can't tell anyone I was raped. For some reason the weird thing I have about fictional gore is getting stronger. I'm a dick to friends and I don't even know why, so I've just been isolating to avoid being worse to them. I'm trans but can't tell anyone. I want to get worse again like I was with the person who groomed me. But I am terrified to turn more into them, to talk or have their habits. It makes me scared of people older than me and afraid I might be a horrible influence on people younger than me. Empathy has gotten worse. Feels like I'm dying.