It's hard being the eldest one. It's hard being the eldest one in a barely surviving household. It's hard cause my mother leans on me, my father leans on me, my sibling leans on me. That leaves me to nothing, I need to handle all their baggage while my own is in chaos. I need to stay strong cause if I broke down, chaos it is. It's hard, it's draining, it's frustrating. Even if I want to have someone I can lean to, I'm afraid I will only be passing my burdens to them. I don't want to be a burden. Trust issues, commitment issues, manipulative, liar, etc. you can brand me like that, but know that I can't help it if ever since I was a child, I'm slowly lifting this family up. Fuck, I don't usually say it but fuck it. Fuck this life. I just wanna be successful so fast so I can somehow breath. I want to escape but I can't now. Yahhh it's hard to stay composed when all the things I've been keeping shut is slowly showing.