i hate this. i've known about this deadline for so long, but i haven't typed a single sentence. just a few weeks ago, i was constantly full of anxiety, with disruptive hand trembles and a racing mind. then, one day, i woke up, and i just felt... empty. no guilt. no feeling. just a shell. i just live. that's it. old me would probably be pacing right now, screaming about how to finish the project but never end up doing it. now, i feel nothing. not even a vague interest or disinterest. apparently this could be my brain shutting down to "safe" mode after excessive anxiety. interesting. i wish a therapist would talk to me. i'd probably end up psychoanalysing them. also, i had super strong coffee today, so my hand is jittering, which is a thing that isn't normal. i'll make up an excuse, and submit the project tomorrow. he won't mind, he's chill. why can't i feel. occasionally i cry. occasionally i look up at the sky and breathe. why do i have to breath manually all the time. let me be free.