I wish I didn't care as much about what others think. It holds me back in everything I want to pursue, just this fear of others and being judged. I have some weird beliefs and perspectives, nothing too deep or interesting, but these weird beliefs coagulated because I've been alone for so long. I don't know how to build rapport with other people, I assume they don't want me around. I assume they'll get bored and start talking behind my back. I assume I'll look too weird or I'll get made fun of anyway since I'm a bottom of the barrel person. It doesn't matter. I've met "high value" people who think I'm ritatardid. I wanted to be held, my mother was furious when she last saw me. I angered my mother because I confessed my violent fantasies. I told her how much I envy and hate people. I blamed her. I manipulated her again. I lied about my religion when I went over there. I needed a way to avoid this feeling of loneliness and separation, I'd sacrifice all my individuality and become a snail.