i wish i was brave enough to kill myself. the only thing keeping my alive is cowardice. i've been slowly losing people in my life for years, because they either drift away or because i fuck up. i love someone dearly that will never see me as more than an experiment. i love my friends, but they live far away from me, and the one that doesnt is too involved with the person i love. i love my family but because of various reasons i can't be too open with them. i dont know how to make new friends. im graduating college this spring and after that, my only chance to make friends easily will be gone forever. i am so incredibly lonely, and yet when i have people in my life, i am so incredibly incapable at valuing them, and then i miss my chance. all i ever do is miss chances. all i ever do is do things late. ive been called a "late bloomer" as a kid, been stunted by covid as a teen, and now im "childish" as an adult. no sane person can rescue me, and i cant rescue myself because i am a coward