i want my mom sometimes. i really do. she ended up being so awful i went no contact (and am remaining such. 6 years in). but idk. im tired of handling everything alone. i want to be taken care of but….i cant be. i cant be taken care of. i have to stand alone since i have no one by my side. and that hurts. ….just hurts more knowing i cant cry to my mother to feel better. my heart hurts. but i cant…go back. i can’t go back and become the child she’d love. it’d mean erasing every core part of me that she hates. idk. just sitting in my home alone and realizing how empty the silence is. and how i sometimes want someone to return to. sometimes.