I masterbated as best as i could as a girl. And yet it doesn't feel as good as they say or make it out to be. Am I supposed to have the real deal for it to feel good? I'm disgusted with myself. I feel guilty. Or at least I use to. Now I just have an empty feeling and that makes me feel awful too. I feel like I should rot away with this guilt. I'm so disgusting. I don't even like sleeping in my bed cuz I feel disgusting. I feel disgusted when family is in my space too cuz I'm disgusting. I want the real deal but I want love. I'm so lonely and sad. I keep thinking of my ex even though I don't have the same feelings for him like I use to. I think of all the guys I tried to hook up with and try to imagine fantasies about them. But I'm just so disgusted. Maybe I'm better dead. Then have people be around me. I wish I wasn't so lonely. I have no one. I want to kiss again. Nothing feels good. What do I replace this with? What can I? Smoke? I'm so disgusting. I need to wash myself n everything