i don't want to go back. i feel sick thinking about it. i feel the life leave my limbs when i think about it. i feel so fatigued. even moving my fingers to type this is difficult. i'm clearly not okay, but i can't tell anyone. i'm definitely depressed, but i can never get diagnosed. i want to be free from this. i want to feel again. i want to love life again. i want to have friends again. i want to be able to live. but that's so hard to do, i don't think i'll succeed. right now, the only thing keeping me alive are my hyperfixations. when those run out... things will end. for good.