ive basically given up on getting good grades. I only do them to get along with others. I keep on getting grades that arent good enough, at this point I can just give up on getting into the acadmeic excellence program and just settle for 'being a good kid but not being able to apply themself'. When did I first realise that nobody meant all the nice things they said to each other? probably when I was little. I realised that people just wanted to be my friend because they wanted to feel good about themselves. and I went with it. I am so stupid. But I wanted to change that. I wanted to be kind from the heart, but now that mask of kindness and empathy is plastered on my face and I cant get it off. Who even am I? I keep drowning the sea of my apologies. Eventually they'll all find out it's just so I can be loved. They'll all find out that I'm just an actor, playing the perfect role of their kind and selfless friend. And eventually I'll be left alone and I'll return to a dusty carcass.