I'm envious of flirting and courtship. I'm so isolated and repressed intellectually that I don't get that, just loneliness that forgets the human race. In my loneliness, in insanity, could just forget that other humans exist and hold myself as the last human on the planet. I have found people who understand these kinds of issues, though they turn their noses up at me in aristocratic disgust and I'm just expected to carry on. I don't want to share anything with anyone but to just take intimacy from them, and in this situation, I feel it would ruin us both. I can't degrade myself like a dog and get pig drunk. I'm moralistic here but I crave a whorehouse. I don't know. I don't want to be sent back to the institution again just because I have no one to talk to, no one to fuck and share pain with so I can heal. If I could suck the dicks of my therapists I'd be happier.