I went outside yesterday with a girl and 2 boy college friends. all night, I had to witness their little hints they're into her, subtle compliments and not so hidden remarks and I felt out of place. after the terrible night out I feel hideous and gigantic and I never wish to set foot outside. it doesn't help I drank while on antidepressants, I made a fool of myself and probably right now, this depressing feeling might just be a chemical effect. I started spiralling and overthinking my appearance, my weight and the reason no one has ever pursued me. the lessons I learned: I'm not drinking ever again and I'm won't be hanging out with dudes. I despise this feeling of being unwanted. I hate battling body dysmorphia and getting back to the old beliefs I tried so hard to leave behind. I'll keep trying to accommodate to the thought I'll die alone, maybe have just a few friends. Anyone up there that hears me, if I'm meant to be alone, please take away my desire to be loved.