I'm supposed to be doing SAT prep right now, but I can't stop my mind from drifting to him. I haven't been able to go a day without thinking about him, actually. It's been about 3 years now since we broke up, and I know it's useless to make universes in my head with what ifs and if onlys about what would have happened if it worked out. But even so, sometimes I genuinely believe he'll be the only person who'll ever get that close to me. Which is ironic because we're practically strangers now. I tried to see other people, but I don't recognize the way I behave in relationship anymore. With him, I was able to let myself get genuinely close to someone without constantly thinking about how vulnerable I was being. Now I have this push and pull pattern where I'll let someone get close, then get scared when it starts feeling too real and pull away. I still remember so much of the relationship, even if it’s distant now. It's strange to remember something so deeply and know it’s gone.