i keep thinking about my future, not just in the ‘what will i become’ but rather realizing all that comes with getting older especially as a woman. i’m expected to have kids with my current partner. i’ll have to raise little people and try not to fuck up. i’ll have people relying on me that i don’t want to rely on me. appointments, payments, credit cards, work, money, all the shit that comes with adulthood is so daunting and scary. i’ve continually made plans to bail out of life in september because i honestly don’t think i can do it. i’m too big of a wuss to finish life to the finish line. it’s too much work. it’s too much pressure. i don’t want to finally get comfortable living at some point just to accept that i’m going to die and i wasted much of my life wishing it would happen sooner. it’s ironic though, the thought of being taken out against my will terrifies me, but i’m deeply comforted by having control over ending it myself. i’ve lost where i’m going with this, living is scary