Gender confused and really going through it right now. I don't want to be trans. It's hard, it's expensive, people would treat me like a freak. The stuff that makes me happy is mostly presentational. Gender is about how you feel on the *inside*, they say, not just how doing your nails or shaving your legs feel. So how do I feel inside? I dunno. I don't see a guy or a girl in there. I see emptiness, confusion, and frustration. Been anxious and depressed my whole adult life. Not dysphoric, though. Could be repressed dysphoria, they say. But what if it's not? What if I go through all this time and effort and find out it doesn't make me feel any better? That it was all a dumb phase? That I just wind up as an equally depressed & anxious woman or enby, only even *more so* because now I'm also a social pariah? I just want to close pandora's box and go back. I mean, I don't, I was a worthless, depressed, anxious mess before, but at least it was familiar. I'm so fucking tired.