just had a meltdown and felt completely alone. Lost some people who were the ones who originally helped me when i was suicidal. I just cried and i felt so lonely but then God came to mind. I started to speak to him outloud (bc it doesnt feel real if i speak in my head), begging him to talk to me back. I told him how sometimes im fifty/fifity on his existence. It feels almost evil of me to even ask for his help with my loneliness when im doubting if hes even real. I would randomly snap out of what i was saying and start to feel embarrassed bc it stopped feeling like i was talking to God and started to feel more like i was talking to myself like a crazy person. I started to rationalize everything and think about all the less fortunate people that also beg for God’s help yet nothing ever happens. Who the hell do i think i am to actually be able to recieve help from God when theres people dying out there and he doesnt save them. I know that seems harsh but my brain cant control it